Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Sometimes I wonder.. Is it really worth the fight?

So just to warn you I am going to be really honest in this blog. Some people, including myself like to hide their feelings instead of talking about it. I used to do that by eating food. Well now it's time to be totally honest..

Like the title of the blog says.. sometimes I wonder if it really is worth the fight. I have been thinking about it the past couple of days.. Lately I've been in not the best mental place that I could be.. I feel like I have been drowning to the point where I can't gasp for air anymore. I have been a fog where I have no idea where I am or where I am going. All I pretty much want to do is cry lately except for when I am around friends and family.. This has been going on for the past couple of weeks. This is basically what happens... Most recent incident, I wrote my new blog entry a couple of days ago and I was so determined to eat healthy for 21 days straight and going to excercise for at least 30 minutes a day.. Well here comes day 1 and I am good for most of the day and then my brain kicks in and I want to eat.. I did eat some not so healthy stuff. Surprisingly I still lost 8 ounces haha.. I don't know how.. I thought I was going to gain at least a pound.

So back to the question... Is it really worth the fight? I have come to the conclusion that I would rather spend my life fighting for what I want in life then to get to the end of my life and see that I did nothing. Yes weight loss is a haaaaaaaard battle to beat but I have seen many people win that battle. I want to be in that "winners circle"! I know it takes hard work and dedication. Sometimes I just feel like I have no more fight left in me.. I told my mom this morning that I have lost the will to fight..

So right now you might be thinking of me differently but hey at least I was honest and I got it out in the open. No more bottling things up and letting it eat me up inside. This is the point where I need to pick my butt up and just keep going along. I know I will get to my goal weight eventually it's just going to be a long journey. I mean hey I didn't gain the weight overnight so it's not going to come off overnight. No more making goals to look forward to because that just causes me to sabotage. I am going to work hard at getting this weight off but just with no more pressure of getting it done..

Time to go start Living :)

Love always,

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Sometimes You Just Gotta Let Go

Sometimes you just have to let go and move on. Start a clean slate and stop looking in the past!

So time to be honest. As most of you may have noticed I haven't blogged or talked about my weight loss journey lately.. I basically have been stuck in a rut since I hit the 40 pounds down mark. I had decided that I wanted to stop posting about my weight journey that way I could surprise my family this summer when I hopefully get to visit them. That was not the wisest idea.. I basically have been a yo-yo since that point. Losing and gaining 10 pounds and still haven't gotten past the 40 pounds. I currently have gained about 20 back. It's very hard to admit that to be honest because I do not like to fail at all. It drives me nuts.. Last night I just broke down crying because I felt like I was mentally breaking down.. This weight thing has been consuming my life and I can't let it have that hold over me! Oh and for those of you that aren't friends with me on Facebook I have created myself an ulcer! I need to stop stressing so much and I know that my weight is one of my main culprits! My doctor said it should be gone in hopefully about a month!!

So currently at the moment I am doing my best learning how to not be an all or nothing person. For example, every year I always want to be able to jog the Race for the Cure 5K race. Well the time always comes around and once I realize I'm not making the progress I should be making I sabotage myself. So I have finally come to the conclusion that I won't be able to jog the whole thing because of my weight and being morbidly obese. However I will still keep training for it and I will do my best even though I won't be able to jog the whole thing. I am going to power walk it at least and jog however much I can. Just gotta get my shin splints to stop hurting so much. If anyone knows how to get rid of them I would love the help!

So anyways.. I have officially decided that instead of focusing on numbers I am going to just focus on eating healthy and exercising at least 30 minutes to an hour every day. I am going to do it in 21 day challenges! So my first challenge starts tomorrow :) I'm super excited! I know this will pay off. 

I am going to win and prove to myself (not to anyone else including my family) that I can lose this weight! Excited to finally see what I will look like as a healthy and "skinny" person :D

Love ya'll!